The past few days I have not been feeling well, and this morning I woke up with a sore throat, aching body, and terrible headache. It felt like the flu or step throat. I was bedridden much of the day. It seems I had gotten my monthly sickness, along with the kids this month. But, this one was really tough. I have been plagued by bad thought patterns here…my joy seems many times a distant memory. It is a constant battle…and one that I have lost many days. As I lay there on the couch today while my AWESOME husband took my son on adventures all morning, and my sweet Hannah walked on her little feet all around the house (she’s walking everywhere now!!!) singing the softest, most beautiful little songs..with the sweetest, most precious smiles….I couldn’t help but feel loved despite the physical pain.
It is hard to feel loved by the Father when so many things seem to be going wrong…when so many dreams seem to be going down the drain…and so many longings going unfulfilled. This hasn’t been an easy duty station. I often think back to our last duty station when joy seemed to come SO much easier. I often think about what I did then vs. what I am doing now. What changed? Things are very different…and joy may not come easy right now, BUT, the Lord still wants me to be GROUNDED in Him, to be thankful in everything, joyful always, and to pray unceasingly. That came much easier before. But, here, I am learning to make a deliberate choice. To make committments so that I don’t turn back.
As I lay in pain, I prayed, “God help me not feel sorry for myself again. I can think of countless reasons to feel sorry for myself right now. None of them keep my focus on YOU: your resurrection, your calling, your redemptive plan for all your children. I want to be focused on You. I want to do Your will, no matter what crazy circumstances seem to allow otherwise. God, please help me start thanking you right now.” As I thanked Him, I finally drifted off to sleep (I was in too much pain to get up and get tylenol…so going to sleep seemed like a good alternative until Brian got home). I woke up again in pain, the onslaught of thoughts returned, and again, I prayed and thanked God. This time I prayed “God, it is almost dinner time and I cannot imagine my sweet husband cooking dinner and watching our two little energizer bunnies at the same time…please heal me so I can GET UP and serve my family.” I drifted off to sleep again and woke up to my sweet husband and little Hannah (who slept 4 hours, amazingly so!!!)…and feeling better already, I took the tylenol and felt even better. I was able to make tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s (just in case, right?). I am SOOO blessed to receive really incredible healing in the same day (doesn’t happen often this way for me!) and so blessed by my sweet family. Sooo many reasons to be thankful. I am making a choice to be joyful always, pray unceasingly, and to give thanks in everything. Anything other than that is darkness….and I have had my taste of darkness here….and it is terrible.
The Lord has told me often to walk in the light here. I think, from my limited understanding, that He wants me to walk in the light of His fellowship and the fellowship of other believers….and I cannot have either if I choose to dwell in darkness…darkness of thought. NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCE! (I can really come up with some good excuses as to why I should be grumpy!)
Praise God for His Sovereignty…Praise Him for His GOODNESS. Give thanks to the Lord for He is GOOD!!! Always!!!