Today, I am thankful that God never changes. He is constant. His identity is constant. Over time, I feel my identity changing….things I am good at, things I enjoy, my preferences, ideas, perceptions….many things. When everything around me is different…I have to focus on my one constant: Jesus. I have to focus on who HE is.
I am in the process of getting accustomed to a new car, new home, new phone, new post, new state, new everything. Even the kids have gone through changes since moving from CA. My old techniques are met with much resistance, and I find my parenting needs some tweaking…and in some areas, a lot of work. Brian’s work environment will be so different….everything will be different. I used to long for adventure, facing challenges and change head on and desiring to conquer any difficulties. I wanted to master everything. I was an Army child and moved almost every year and half growing up…and have moved 9 times already as a former Army officer and Army wife. I should be used to change, right? Now, pregnant and with two littles to shepherd….the changes affect me so differently…they are more profound…and my mind and body resist. It truly is harder to change the older you get. I want to have a teachable and moldable spirit…not resisting change…but I feel the challenge associated with it more now. Instead of wanting to master anything, I simply want to be obedient to how God wants me to respond in each moment…with frustration after frustration popping up…new things to figure out…no mastery over anything, I find often that I cannot obey as my spirit longs to. The spirit is willing…but the body is so weak right now.
God is continuing to bring a few familiar things in my path, familiar names (people who know the same people I did at Ft Irwin, which has been most pleasant and surprising 🙂 ) and familiar sites. As I went for a walk this morning around our new neighborhood, my mind went back to my memories of this place as an 11 year old child. I got excited! Familiar sounds (geese honking), familiar smells, familiar sights…it was most delightful…and the first time I have had a moment to really remember…to really soak it all in. It was so cold and there was a light drizzle….but I couldn’t have been happier to be cold and so full of His presence and His way of comforting me in the familiar.
Lately, my greatest struggle has been to separate my feelings from what God’s Word says. My feelings aren’t matching up very well to truth. I have been so humbled by how much my heart has struggled the past month….struggled to obey. My feelings tell me one thing…and I am so convinced…and then God’s Word comes to mind a bit afterwards…and I feel saddened once again that I was led astray by my emotions. It truly has been a battle. I know I need a constant pouring in of the Word to fight the soar in emotions to be victorious in this.
We moved into our beautiful home last night, as my husband has been tirelessly working to get everything ready for us to move from the hotel to the home (as well as many other moving details). As I sat, a few nights before, in my home…I unpacked some preliminary groceries in the fridge…a few bags, mind you, and sat down on the floor feeling so exhausted and sick. I thought to myself (ignoring God’s Word)—“there is no way I am going to be able to do this…I don’t want to do this.” I really couldn’t imagine myself being able to move into this home. I felt so sick and had little energy to do anything, as I had been feeling for quite a bit at this point…I was almost 14 weeks…and wasn’t feeling any respite in sickness. A few days later, my sickness went away, the day before we moved in. Today, I have been unpacking boxes all day, and God has given me the strength…in abundance…to do it. Why do I doubt?
God told me to have great faith before we left California…I thought and felt continually encouraged that it was because we were going to have twins….I felt encouraged in so many ways in this over a period of a few months…and prayed often about it…I am still left confused about that, but it does look like there is just one. As I look back, I see God was building my faith…and leading me to have greater faith. I see now, that He was about to ask me to do many things that felt outside my ability to do…and I did need great faith. God did provide for us…He did come through…it wasn’t easy, but He provided. It was one of the hardest times of my life, really. My faith is being deepened…matured. It feels as though my faith was so shallow before. Do you ever feel that as God propels you forward? He is giving me a new wineskin. It is uncomfortable right now. He is giving me new wine. I don’t understand much of it. But, as this wine ages, it will become sweet to my soul.
I am so weak, but He is strong. And it is in this weakness, that I am truly beginning to see the face of Jesus.