I’ve never been in a place like this before….I’ve never had so much responsibility on my shoulders day in and day out, with life generally being quite hard, and has been hard for quite some time, with the future only getting harder. In my mind, I imagine so many different possibilities, jobs I can have where I can still put my children first, every trail I chase ends in a dead end, either because of divorce proceeding regulations, the time I have to get to my job which doesn’t coincide with taking the kids to school, the time I have to pick Emma up (2pm) which coincides with the worktime of pretty much any job I can get, and the kids important after school activities, which means I cannot do anything in the evenings either…take classes, teach classes at the Y.
My faith has never been more important to remind me that God has a plan, that He is the ultimate provider, that He sees every single thing I do. It is hard to see someone else get to pursue their dreams, while you constantly lay down your own, it is hard to know that I am totally being taken advantage of, it is hard to realize that other people don’t always have the sensitive conscience that I do…they just don’t care or give themselves liberties because of selfishness. BUT GOD. What would I do without my faith? In a season like this…and I KNOW there is a light at the end of the tunnel…and hopefully, it’s a short tunnel, I could not survive without God’s continual voice and guidance to me. When I don’t hear him, I seek him, when I don’t feel Him, I pray I might feel Him more.
Like Beth Moore, I have realized that I am desperate for God. We all are, but I know that somehow I was created with a huge desire to KNOW HIM. I’m thankful for this everyday, I know that nothing in this world can satisfy me…really more than a few minutes at a time, or maybe a few days at a time, but rather God created me with a need for HIM. And if that need is not met, just like anything else in life, where a need goes unmet for any decent amount of time, a problem arises. The need has to be met.
I left this entry in the Sacred Marriage category because I wanted to remind myself I am betrothed to Christ. And He doesn’t leave needs unmet. But we have to do our part. We have to pray, we have to seek, we have to search for Him around us.
I want Jesus to be the sweetest thing I have ever embraced. The problem in my personal life is that I encounter people or situations that tempt me to lose my joy or to get angry…to deplete the full tank that just got filled up. They are reasonable things to make one angry. Foolishness or apathy or laziness or ignorance can be upsetting. I am learning to take all of these things in stride and just pray. That’s what I did last night when I was told something that really is upsetting. Not knowing things that are very important to know and being given a different answer every time is upsetting!! I can look at the words spoken and dissect them and get angry because they don’t make sense or know that they could change the next day. I can think of all the hardships that will come my way and all the hardships that have come my way. It is in these moments where I cannot be a bonzai tree of faith, but I must grow deeper to know, God has a plan. There are no concrete answers to cling to. BUT, I must remember that God is sovereign and that He is in control…He can work things out in my favor no matter what, for I am a Child of God.
I am getting off subject a little here, but I’ll come back around at the end: What if there were no God? Goodness knows, that is such a scary thought. Sometimes, I think people buy into the atheist theology because they cannot fathom a God who allows such evil to occur all around us. Others have a partial view of God where He is unable to do much about the evil in the world. I think of a God who holds back so much more evil, who truly is in control, and allows Satan to work only at His nod. Satan cannot do anything without God’s permission. I think too, our minds are so understandably focused on the here and now of this world, but if we could see the overall perspective of life, not just life on earth, but eternal life in heaven, it truly would change our minds about so many things.
What to do about the evil in the world for today? Pray. And be sanctified by God’s Word, so that we might not bring any more evil into the world. God meant for us to be family here on earth. God is able to meet all of our neediness. God delights in His people, we are his prized possession…but what truly brings Him joy?: When His children walk in TRUTH.
When we are stuck…and we will get stuck in this life…whether by having to make a choice and we cannot find which direction is best to go (I’ve searched MANY right now and none of them are quite the right fit)…or by being stuck in our wrong attitudes….we can get unstuck by delving into the TRUTH, memorizing the TRUTH, thereby getting the TRUTH soaked in our bones, to quote Beth Moore again, and applying the TRUTH to our lives. TRUTH lifts us up out of the miry pit!!
NOW…are we unstuck and ready to go? I am ready.