Today has been a day of longing for me. Longing to give it all up and follow Him. I have that urge a lot. But, oftentimes, He tells me, you are right where I want you at this moment. I wonder if there will come a time. But, I’ve come to know that it is all about Him. As my understanding and love grows for Him, I’m content to surrender everything, even my dreams…which are ever so important to me. So many things I feel He has put on my heart…I’ve come to know, even these are human desires. You see, they become Godly desires when God fulfills them! It is at that moment when you see that they truly were from the Lord. I will not know until He fulfills them. So, until then, as they come, I surrender them unto Him. I say, “If these are from you My King, make them come true…bring them to fruition…and by your grace and mercy, allow me to see your Hand at Work…but for now, they are Yours.” And each time they come, my ability to surrender grows stronger through this prayer. God is teaching me to wait. And I love actually being content to wait.
One of my mentors is Mother Theresa. I’ve always been drawn to her. I’ve always been drawn to books about her and her work as Missionaries of Charity. I have carefully guarded my heart, as to not get consumed by my dreams to be a missionary…and haven’t allowed very much reading about it until I get the ok from the Lord, but Mother Theresa is one woman whom has always drawn me to the Lord and her work has always inspired me. I am still carefully guarding my heart to be totally devoted to my husband and children and “oikos” right now…and any other ministry God might be calling us to…but Mother’s work always calls out to me. I long to make vows of poverty. I long to see Jesus in the faces of the poor. I long to pour into the hearts of orphans, widows, and the suffering. I feel called to a home far away…perhaps Africa…perhaps somewhere else…but I know there exists a home for our family…a place where we were designed to pour out as a family into a community that shall be a perfect fit. And I am waiting for my perfect father in heaven…for His perfect timing…and perfect plan for our family.
I am seeing Him work in my heart in so many deep and painful ways to change me…to mold me…to give me eyes to see, ears to hear…and hands to work. He is transforming my mind, renewing each thought to make them look like His. He is bringing me much joy in waiting for Him, working for Him, and allowing me to witness my own transformation, and those of my husband and children. I stand simply and adoringly amazed by Him.