We are headed into a time of transition for our family…we are starting to go through changes, getting ready for a move. As this fall season arrives, and with it much needed cooler weather here in the desert :-), I can feel the season of change beginning in our lives.
We are learning to live off of one car surprisingly well. I have (mostly) stopped running over curbs, Brian has adjusted to us living in his precious big blue truck, and we are learning to live more simply. I really like that. Sometimes, I convince myself that we are living a pretty simple life…but then God shows me true simple living and I am always humbled by how much we have. I really don’t like living in abundance…it always brings tension in my heart…but, it is a slow process to live more and more simply, so I am thankful for the victories He gives us in this.
The kids are going through major changes in development. Lewis is almost 4 and I can literally feel the big changes in his thoughts, actions, and speech. Hannah is 2 and going through so many changes right now. She has hit the big 2’s in a major way. The past 3 weeks or so in parenting have been some of the toughest weeks of my parenting career so far. I have cried out for wisdom and guidance and the Lord’s help and peace so many times. He has poured out to me from His loving faithfulness.
He showed me a mommy’s heart that really needed to change. So many areas of my heart…I feel as though God is prepping us for something…but I don’t quite know what….I feel Him calling us to change and prepare…I am very eager to see His plan unfold! What are we preparing for exactly?
In the meantime, I have learned to love my children deeply, casting all perceptions aside and to parent His way…following His voice…and to love, love, love my sweet little babies, through the sleepless nights, hours of their tears, many frustrations, and constant trying moments. In these moments, days, or weeks, all my plans or goals for the day melt away…all perceptions cast aside (both mine and others’), and my heart is pressed into the Lord thanking Him, praising Him, and resting in His love, peace, patience and longsuffering qualities. His qualities become mine and they flow forth to my children. And then I begin to see change. Change in my heart and change in theirs. This way of parenting isn’t based on a rigid set of rules or consequences, it is simply based off of His leading and knowing His heart of love and His Word. It flows. It is situationally based, with sets of general guidance layed out in His Word. It is firm. It has consequences. It is consistent. But, it is compassionate, it is loving, it is tender, it is everything of the Spirit. It comes from Him. It brings forth more love in my heart for them and I can see their hearts change with more love toward me (and not so much resistance!).
I see changes in my incredible husband…and changes in us. There is unity blossoming in our hearts in new ways….there is a softening of our hearts; a gentleness and stronger, deeper love between us; a longing to continue to reach out to the community and love more. I see faith in the midst of very trying circumstances. I see God’s testing of this faith. I LONG to see the other side! But, I know one day there will come this moment where we look at each other and we see those dreams fulfilled. That will be a beautiful moment between us and the Lord. But, I want to walk in greater faith right now, trusting that this all will make sense one day. Each test, each trial, each heartbreak, each loss–God will bring all of it together and make it known to us (as much as He chooses to reveal).
My heart isn’t aching. My heart isn’t even exhausted. Somehow, there is this peace. There is this knowledge and trust in Him. Perhaps, I am learning to love Him above all else? Perhaps, He is creating a purity of heart and purpose in me?
He is teaching me that true love for Him is not talking about my love for Him, or talking about the revelations He gives, but simply doing His will. Isn’t this what Jesus did? He came for one purpose. To do His Father’s Will. I long to do this at all cost.
The Lord is giving me a desire to praise Him and find such purpose in doing this. He is giving me a heart to find contentment and fulfillment in doing His will and only His (and not my own). I have often wondered if I could find fulfillment in simply praising Him and doing only His will. In my humanity, I have questioned whether that could bring total fulfillment in my life. He is proving to me how incredibly fulfilling it is! It is beyond human comprehension. I am learning to trust in His goodness. I am learning to discern His voice above all else. I am learning to obey more fully. I am learning to praise Him and see His blessings flow continuously in our lives.
The Lord is humbling my heart. He is putting me in a place of service and support in every area of my life. He is cultivating a fully satisfied servant’s heart. He is creating fulfillment in me in doing the most basic things…joy in doing them. He is teaching me to set less goals and trust in His goals for my life. There is much joy in this.
I long for this time of transition to lead to greater dependance and trust in the Lord. We are just starting this season of transition.
I feel Him drawing us closer to His heart to prepare for all the changes that are headed our way.