As I lay my hands on my belly, waiting for that first kick…that first flutter, my mind strays to a place of awe…awe in what God is doing right now inside my body, awe in what He is allowing me to be a part of…a true miracle. I love being a part of that miracle. I cannot believe that I would be entrusted with another incredible little one to love and raise in His Ways. I depend so much on God for this with my two and I know I will learn to press even more deeply into His guidance and love and grace for another. I’ve never felt quite adequate to give life and raise it. What makes me qualified to do that? Nothing, but the Will and enablement of the Lord.
I was so nervous to be a mommy of our firstborn. I’ve come to see that God is truly His parent, His ultimate shepherd…and I am only as good a parent as I seek the Lord and trust in Him. It is quite amazing to allow God to truly parent my son by submitting to the Lord’s ways and Will in his life. It is wonderful to see my role in the light of God’s truth and how awesome a parent God is!
I had a 4 page birth plan with my son..and he suddenly was born 7 weeks early, with a spontaneous rupture of membranes. Brian was in Korea, I was in labor 2 1/2 days in the states (The Lord put it on my heart to ask to leave Korea in my 4-5th month and the intense training unit I was a part of there, and to seek help to be transferred to a unit in the states…God provided in a major way), and Brian even made it 7 hours before the birth! To be honest, when I had been in labor 56 1/2 hours, I am not quite sure I really cared all that much about how he was born, as long as he was on his way into my arms 🙂 We escaped a c-section by the nick of time, and Lewis came beautifully into this world, and for a very short time in my arms, and then quickly into the NICU. God provided every single step of the way.
I had a 2 page birth plan with Hannah (I got better), but my first few appointments with her, the doctor told me the pregnancy was no good. We switched doctors…., and the second one I had was hand-picked for me. She had two children, had early pregnancy bleeding and bed rest and could relate to my situation. She never doubted that Hannah would be ok. She also was a huge fan of c-sections, however, and I was not 😦 The Lord knew what I needed though, and there was a reason he picked a doctor for me that was a fan and pro of c-section deliveries. Brian and I sensed God’s hand in this hospital team He gave us–with our translator (and her incredible mom who came to stay with me for a week while I was on bed rest), with our doctor, and all the wonderful assistants. We felt His blessing upon us. Hannah decided to stay transverse up until delivery and so she had to come out by c-section. She came on the exact day the doctor predicted her birth. And she came out by a doctor who had a lot of experience doing c-sections. God provided every step of the way.
With this little one, I was determined to only ask for a handful of things for the delivery—actually, I think I asked for 3 things…after the doctor told me everything she preferred. It was a bit comical, because, the doctor actually brought up one of the things I wanted the most—she told me I would be a great candidate for a V-BAC. This was great news to me because I don’t see any way for me to recover from a c-section with Brian in ILE and grad school here. I am not entirely sure he’ll be able to take any time off at this point. A natural delivery would be an incredible gift to us. I know God will provide, no matter how this little one chooses to enter this world. He always does. One thing is perfectly clear to me right now–as I look back and forward–God has a tender heart for pregnant women–in their vulnerability, in their distress…He provides and comforts in amazing ways. He is so strong and is the giver of life. And He guides that precious one into this world as gently as He guides us out, despite what it may seem at times. I have felt His comfort and His loving presence each time I have given birth…and I know He will be present throughout this pregnancy and birth.
Pregnancy and delivery has always been a time that God has used to build great faith in my heart. This time is a time where I am having to leap for that faith. I am having to choose to have that faith. It doesn’t feel like the Holy Spirit is embracing me this time and filling me with faith like He did last time. This time, I have to keep choosing over and over to have that faith. It is deliberate… This time, faith is required of me in deeper ways than trusting God to deliver my baby healthy and on time. That is something I know only God can do! I had no choice but to have faith. This time, the faith that is required is harder…and more personal. But, God is still there, waiting to build my faith and prove Himself once again to me–to be my strong Helper, to be my strong Deliverer.
I long to know His intricate design for this little one I have yet to meet. I long to know His calling for him/her. I long to know the name He has chosen for this baby. I long to know His hand of Grace and Love and how this life will play out before my eyes…what God will do in and through him/her and in our family. I long to know how this little angel will be perfectly designed to be a part of our family. I see the Lord preparing Lewis and Hannah’s hearts for this child. I see him preparing Brian and my hearts. He is growing our hearts, growing our minds, and most of all, growing our FAITH…as He is working most beautifully and intricately in my womb as He grows our family. He is always working in so many ways. I can’t WAIT to meet one of His masterpieces!!! 🙂