What does whole look like?

This is a very serious post, not just a reflection, but a cry for God to work miracles.  A call to brothers and sisters in Christ to reflect with me and respond.  I am going to be more transparent about what I have recently written about…I sense that this is the time and place.

So often lately I have thought…what does a whole person look like, what does a whole marriage look like?  So often I have pursued that wholeness, through Scripture, through bible study, through prayer, through extra practical reading, through exercise, through healthy eating, and trying to think good, positive thoughts…but all the time wondering, can I achieve wholeness here on planet earth?

I think I have learned and continue to learn that we will always be broken here on earth…broken perhaps in clear ways and sometimes in ways we cannot even see.  I think Brian and I have realized over this past year–his return from a year deployed to Afghanistan and a quick move immediately upon return….and the following months we’ve been stationed here in a new place…Georgia…we were broken in ways we could not see and our marriage was broken in ways we could not see either..particularly from so much time apart…so much pressure and stress upon each of our shoulders, but I know the stress brings out the impurities that need to be refined…like silver and gold.   Often, I’ve felt like we’ve had a strong marriage.  My mind can return to many of the times and places I’ve felt that way.  There are so many moments.  But, there have been hard times too.  Right now, we are in the hardest place…the best way I can describe it is a PIT that we are stuck in.  I’m trying desperately to crawl out of this pit in any way I can…but my sweet husband is stuck and doesn’t want to crawl out with me or at all.  I think we can choose to focus on the good, or we can fix our minds on the bad–real bad and made up bad….and if we do that, everything deteriorates.  Crumbles.  Is Destroyed.  It reminds me of that verse that says the Enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10).  I am also reminded that our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, authorities, and powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12).

If you know my husband and love him (how could you not?) please call him or write him THIS week and let him know what an amazing man he is and what a wonderful wife he has 🙂  Please remind him of all the wonderful moments you’ve seen our family have.

I spoke of miracles for Christmas, but the miracle I was hoping for did not happen.  My prayer is more desperate than it has ever been…for God to save my marriage. My husband plans to serve me divorce papers next week.  He told me 3 months ago on September 30, one month into my master’s degree.  I was shocked, but that shock turned into a desperate call to fight for my marriage.  Now, I feel quite powerless to watch something I have delighted in and invested in crumble before my eyes after almost 11 years of marriage…and a family with 3 beautiful sweet kiddos severely impacted….simply with one other person saying “no more.”

My conclusion tonight is that a marriage can work if two broken people, who realize they are both broken and in need of Christ daily, come together to commit to, accept, love, and encourage one another through life no matter what, and who turn to the Word continually for guidance…it can work.  It does take two.  It does take commitment.  It does take humility.  It does take a tremendous amount of love that can only come from God.

I pray God’s love and power save my marriage and put us back on track focused on Truth and honoring our commitment to one another as well as help both of us remember all the GREAT THINGS HE HATH DONE for us and our family.  Part of that is recognizing all that He has done and truly being grateful and not entitled.  I KNOW IT IS WORTH IT.

Truly, though, I feel powerless to do anything but pray and believe that God will take care of everything.  This is the Lord’s battle. I have to trust in Him.  If it doesn’t work out, I know I must submit to His Will.  God is a gentleman and He does not force us to do His Will.

Pray with me tonight.  Tomorrow I go to celebrate a precious family member’s 90 years of life.  I am glad to be present to celebrate with her.  I am glad for a respite from the emptiness of my home and heart right now.  I have done all the projects I can possibly think of to do here!  I come home in a few days to a house full of my 3 precious kiddos after 9 days without them.  That is the longest time I’ve ever been away from my kids…and without my consent.

The only option when you have no choice is to surrender.


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