Release.

This sweet, sweet word….release….echoes in my soul today….it is such a hard, but beautiful word.  I love being a part of something big.  I love working hard, doing, praying, contributing, working towards something…to make it strong, to make it successful, to make it run deep, to feel as if I am a part of something special, beautiful, to walk within the will of God and play out my story as best I can.

I remember a time of release.  I had to leave the Army 8 years ago.  God called me to a beautiful life as a wife…a mom…and boy, I was so excited to be a part of something big.  The Army was important to me during my time in…very important.  But I knew I was being sent in a different direction, one that I was so excited about, so ready for. I had to release a role that had been a part of my life for 8 years.

Yesterday, I got a lovely phone call…a job.  The exact one I wanted.  I get to work in a wonderful Christian school with people I have come to love and appreciate and know.  The same school my little Emma goes to.  As sad as I was to send her to pre-school, instead of doing it with her, I knew I was headed in the direction I was meant to go…to get my Master’s Degree in Teaching.  It had been something on my heart from when Lewis was a baby, but not something I thought I would accomplish until my kiddos were a bit older 😉

Today I got a painful phone call, one that communicated an end of something I never expected to end.  But, as I felt the pain of my heart wrenching inside of me, I heard the sweet whisper of God’s voice…RELEASE.  Today, I have to release something that has been a part of my life for almost 11 years.

When something involves another person, it takes two.  One person cannot do all the work, one person cannot believe for two, one person cannot keep trusting the Lord.  It takes two.  Since 30 September, I have prayed, I have trusted, I have tried with all my might, as well as fully give myself to my kiddos, my house, and my degree…trusting God with something that was sinking quickly and suddenly.  My heart has remained the same.  But, another heart has not.  A slow fade has destroyed a heart that I once knew so well.  Now, I do not….  I know not, I understand not, I anticipate not.  It has been a scary place to be, an anxious place to be…not knowing, not understanding….not knowing what to expect…and today I have to finally and completely release it.  I do not have a choice.

Sometimes God answers prayers in different ways that we might imagine.  Every prayer of mine has been that His Will be done.  God has MADE His will known to me…over and over.  Respect, trust, have faith in ME, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  But, sometimes, others do not want the will of God.  They are not believing for the same things, they are not hearing the voice of God.

Yesterday in my bible study, we went over the topics that MAN HAS CHOICE.  He can obey God or He can choose not to obey and do what He wants and trust His own knowledge/feelings.  Adam and Eve chose to FALL from grace, despite that God told them what NOT to do.  And He gave them everything else they could imagine. This reality keeps me fearing God and turning to Him continually for correct understanding…instead of relying on my feelings or understanding.

Knowing that, as loving as God is, there ARE consequences to disobedience.  Sometimes, really, really harsh ones.  Sometimes, the fallout goes everywhere from the sin.  It hurts.  Our sin really does hurt both ourselves and everyone around us.  This fear has turned me to prayer with painful tears often lately, but continually trusting God in faith…either way, He really does control the outcome.

God wants the best for us.  He wants us to obey Him because He has the best in mind, He knows what we want, what we need.  But, we must Choose HIM.  And we do have a choice.

I am choosing to choose Him in this moment, in this day and to REJOICE in tribulation, even if it is continual tribulation.  God has a plan.  I have been obedient.  I will continue to BELIEVE Him and TRUST Him.

We can thank God while feeling deep deep pain and loss.  We can thank God that we are alive!

I am excited at what this day will bring.  I cannot wait to hear God’s voice to me today.  I know He’ll catch me, He’ll hold me, He’ll motivate me and guide me in all paths of righteousness.

I praise you Lord, most wonderful counselor, most mighty God, one who SEES everything, one who is pure, the God of TRUTH, the God of redemption, the God who fights my battles…my provider, my sustainer, my PROTECTOR.  What is hidden in darkness will be brought to LIGHT.  He will prepare a table for us in the presence of our enemies.  I praise you God, you are my shield, my reason for LIFE and my PURPOSE each day.

I thank God for my exciting job to work with kiddos, whom I love.  I thank God for the beautiful sunshine on me right now.  I thank God for my sweet, sweet kiddos whom I love so much.  I thank God for His presence.  And for my salvation.  I thank God for the wonderful future plans He has for me already waiting….just around the river bend.

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