I want to write a note to say thank-you. Thank-you to all who have reached out to me in prayer and letters and e-mails. There are so many of you who have loved on me through this messy divorce.
I needed to know something tonight. I needed an answer to a question I’ve had for awhile. And I have my answer. I actually have more answers than I was looking for! I think I have closure. All I can do is ask the Lord to give me forgiveness. Layers and layers of forgiveness. I think I know the way forward now, and it is not without deep prayer and careful consideration.
I am asking God to do something really big over the next day and will seek him in prayer and fasting for an answer according to His Will. BUT, for the Lord to do something. I feel as though my life, no matter how hard I try or how much I do, it feels like I am running up against a huge mountainside of lies, manipulation, and thanklessness, even more deception. I know God sees how certain people are sinning against me and have for years. Their plot will be revealed as is made clear in Scripture. Scripture can be denied by human lips, but its truths are still true and God is unstoppable. What is done in darkness will be brought to the light.
So I want to say thank-you. I don’t like to post anything other than beauty, joy, hope, love…Jesus…on my blog. But, during the past year my life has been so hard, I want to post the real. This year my faith is where rubber meets the road. Do I really believe? Do I really believe God will come to my rescue? Do I really believe God will punish sinners? Even when I don’t see it actually happening? Do I really believe God has a redemptive plan for all that I have suffered? I keep hearing the answer YES from God. My heart is hurting, my mind clouded at times, but I hear “yes, yes, and yes” from God. The Lord echoes Job to me, the Lord echoes Joseph. The Lord whispers, “redemption is near.” Can I say that never has it been SO HARD TO WAIT. At times, it is easy to obey when God says wait. This time, it feels agonizing. I just want to be proved true. Proven faithful. Proven to be a dedicated wife who was tormented really. But what does it matter? I don’t want to expose my former husband, for what will that do to him? He would rather hide any day than be known for his sin. And if he was? He would be shamed for it. Is that what I want?
You know, I talk to my kids about this at home too. I talk to them about revenge and why it is important to trust God to Avenge. The temptation in the flesh is real. I see that in my children at times. My one child struggles with it much more than the other two. I ask this child, “did it feel good to get revenge?” The answer I usually get is “no.” We memorize “do not return evil for evil” and then try to come up with ways to bless our offender.
You know, it is easy to say that to my kids when their troubles seem so light and unimportant. So your toy was taken, why don’t you find another toy to play with? This is the thought that goes in my mind when they struggle. What does it matter? Is this worth fighting over? Any parent I think hears this reasoning in their head. I tell the kids that there are wars all over the world because people cannot forgive. They cannot let go. They have to get revenge. But, as Lewis said just a week ago with me, “revenge only brings more evil into the world.” It does.
But, what happens when you are REALLY offended? When something someone does crushes you intentionally and you are left shocked, hurt, abandoned, and with the pieces to pick up and mend and turn the entire bleak future into a hopeful one again?
This is where rubber meets the road. Do I truly believe God will come through for me? Isn’t that the question sweet friends? Do we trust God enough to do something? Just do something Lord!! Can we wait for God to do something?
When my husband walked out on me all of a sudden one day and told me God told him to, it was unbelievable. My husband was angry that I wouldn’t support him in ways I felt were unGodly. So he left. And found a woman who swept him off his feet. And now is making it look like he did everything in an honorable fashion. And somehow he wanted to include God in this?
I prayed and went to bible study, and read, and read and prayed and listened carefully at church. God showed me many times over that He is not the God that my husband speaks of. Many people make their own Gods so they can do whatever they want to do. It seems to me the real issue here is submission. Do we, do I want to submit to a God who is infinitely more Holy than I?
Tonight I want to say “yes” when it hurts. It hurts and it is hard to wait and I cry out often, “Abba, Father, help me.” Help me because my heart has never hurt so much. I have stood for you. I have spoken truth in love. I have followed you every step of the way to my utmost ability and this is the outcome. He told me that unrepentant sinners will reject the people He sends to them.
I think my struggle right now is this. I remember so well. I remember what Brian was like when we met. We met at a bible study and he was so smart and so handsome and professed faith in Christ, he quoted so much Scripture. We made Godly friends. I look back to that and get confused. The Lord tells me that so much sin lay dormant in his heart. I didn’t see it because it wasn’t there. Just like cottage cheese, you cannot see the bacteria for the first few days and then it comes to the surface. It smells bad, just like sin.
I keep running into people who have found love, beautiful love, the second time around. I cling to these moments God is giving me. How hard it would be to get married again. Would I be able to trust? Would I be able to raise my family in a united household for Christ? Would I be able to teach my kids the gospel without my husband rolling his eyes and walking out of the room? So many days I didn’t know if I was even married to a believer. He wavered more than I’ve seen anyone waiver. I truly don’t think he knows what he believes.
What now? Forgiveness. Back to the need for forgiveness. Why is it so hard? Well, for one, because some of us are being hurt over and over again. Other times, it is because the sin is so grievous. Yes, I remember forgiving when I was a child was much easier. But as an adult, you have a longer memory, a more connected memory. It is harder.
Truly, I can reason myself out of forgiveness. It does feel like you are willingly deciding to take the hit. And lose. BUT, this isn’t what the Word of God teaches. The Word teaches that the Almighty God does avenge. It teaches that Almighty God brings Redemption. The greater the offense, the greater the redemption I do believe.
So I must wait. This is so hard for me. I feel as though it would be easier to move on if I had something to hold on to. But, I don’t. I am refusing to date, despite the options. I am refusing to do anything right now, but commit myself to my kids, commit myself to earning money to provide for my kids, and to let God heal the many layers of hurt that reside in my heart. 11 years of it really. Starting with the night before my wedding day.
So, it is time….time to let go. I think I’ve spent enough time analyzing. Enough time thinking. Enough time feeling sad. Can God erase the sadness? Do we just let go of thinking about it? It makes it hard when you continue to run into each other. That’s the hard part for me. More hurt on top of hurt.
I have a prayer tonight. A prayer that I know God will still answer in His own time. God cannot be swayed in any way other than the positive by our prayers. I know He cares and listens and He will do something to help me. Mine is a prayer asking Abba to open and soften my heart up even more to forgive now that I know everything. And I pray for RELEASE from this relationship.
Father, thank-you that you hear our every prayer and know our every need. I pray your will be done.