I love this word! Resolve and discipline is something my dad and my Father in Heaven have often told me are so important in life. My dad was so very disciplined and had so much resolve. I remember seeing his eyes squint and his furrow tighten before he would go on a long run or a long hike…sometimes one that would last for a day or two. He also had such sacrificial love for our family. He was quite unselfish and I remember looking into the deep, dark brown eyes of his, knowing he would never let me down. He was true to his promises and he was always thinking about me. I was a priority in his life. I knew it deep into my soul. I was fortunate to have a dad who was relentlessly interested in my life. I was blessed to have a dad who was faithful to my mom openly and quietly. I was blessed to have a dad who lived and breathed his family. I was blessed to have a dad who spent an inordinate amount of time with his children. My dad and I have so, so many memories together. Some beautiful. Some hard. Some very hard. But, thank God he cared enough to spend his life with me and to propel me out of the house at 18. I’m thankful for those years. As my dad said to me recently as he watched me parent my children…”it’s a marathon Dawn.” It truly is!! I thought, what better way to prepare for this marathon than to run one to strengthen my body and mind.Tonight, as I went for a long walk alongside Savannah Rapids Pavilion I had time to think and ponder my days right now. I thought about the beautiful aspects of the Lord, my true husband right now. My heart grew fond and I was able to let go of bitterness. I hear God speaking to me. I try to obey. I wait and pray for the right one. I am glad there is Scripture in the Bible that says to “lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge the Lord and He will make your paths straight.” Thank God we are not left up to our own ideas of what is right and what is wrong. If I did what I felt or what I wanted right now in the flesh, I think I might end up in a pit. But, for the grace of God holds me back from such foolish decisions.
Back to the subject of love though…I don’t think you can just stop loving someone who you have been with for so long. However, I feel my heart forcibly moving on too. I am resolved to let go and stop mourning the loss and to move on to great things God has in store for my future.
For me, my kids will always remain a huge priority for me, but I find myself really drawing closer to the One who is greater than anything on this earth. And out of His love in return comes more love into my heart to love on my kids even more than I could on my own, and to find forgiveness and a release of bitterness toward the parts of my past that just hurt.
I look to Christ, He was taken advantage of, mistreated, betrayed..but, He willingly gave his life, he willingly forgave. I ask God for the strength to do this as He calls me to, particularly when I know I am being taken advantage of. I love the picture of willing, sacrificial love. I think it touches God’s heart to see it. I pray I have the strength to keep giving when I don’t receive anything in return. It is hard.
Back to the subject of a husband…As I walked tonight, I thought…oddly enough in a sort of healing way, in heaven, we’ll have no husband. There will only be the Lord and we’ll be together as saints reigning with God. So, if that is the picture of heaven, a place of perfect bliss, it is then possible to cling only to the Lord here on earth. I do want to say, I really believe that God has a man for me someday in His appointed time, and I sensed Him speaking very specifically to me about this mid-October 2016, two weeks after my husband suddenly left…but I feel called to wait for this man.
I want to share you some of my prayers of recent for the sake of honesty and transparency, a liberty I allow myself on my blog, but not so much in person anymore. I’ll get to that in a second, but first a more light hearted note:
I have received such a myriad of advice from many well-meaning friends…some make me just chuckle. God has brought the sweetest people in my life continually flowing. I almost think that someday I will thank God for this period of my life, hard as it may be right now. I see the depth of God’s love for me and I see Him pursuing me relentlessly. I suppose if God is “love” than He truly knows how to love!!! One of my friends of recent told me to ask God specifically for what I want in a man. I could tell she wanted me to get really specific! I said, “you mean like a Scottish accent, blue eyes, and so on?” She gave her affirmation. I told her with a loving chuckle, “really, don’t you think God knows the perfect man for me?” I could tell Him what I want, but do I really know what I need? I think God knows what I want and what I need even more than I do, without me telling Him. So, here is my prayer: I have asked God for one thing: a heart of PURE GOLD. I want a man who loves the Lord with all his heart, mind, soul, and strength. I want a man who is a good father. I am so glad I will get to see that right off the bat this time! One good thing about dating with children in the home is that when the gentlemen is around the kids, he will be tested right off the bat in his skills with children. So many women get married and they want to marry men who will make good fathers some day, but they simply do not know whether they will be or not. This is one plus amongst many other “hard” aspects of dating with young children around.
Resolve. I am resolving to let go of bitterness, with every step of my day, with every step of my walks, with every step I take to train for my marathon in the fall, with every second I spend pouring into these littles. Today, I wondered as I spend so much precious time with them. As I teach and repeat Scripture and hope and pray they turn out wonderfully despite all this….Is my work noticed by you God? Will there be fruit from it? God gave me a verse as I started to doubt….and grow numb after quite a few hours with them.
“For the Lord your God will bless you in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands, and your joy will be complete.”
Yahoo! I am resolved to choose to believe this. My Emma grabbed this Scripture vitamin and handed it to me right before a huge meltdown. Oh thank-you Lord, your word truly is living water that quenches my thirst.
I keep reminding myself that my work is so small, yet God’s work is so big. I plant the seeds, the seeds are God’s Word and they will not return to Him void. That’s a pretty wonderful promise.
Back to the other underlying struggles of my days right now:
I am resolved to leave into God’s hands the avenging. How long O Lord will you wait to avenge what you know was so, so wrong? The delay makes those who have wronged me actually feel like they did nothing wrong. “See, the Lord does not act,” they think, they say.” “See, the Lord is actually blessing me.” All I can do is wait. Trust. Be Still. Rest. Enjoy Life. And wait. Perhaps I will have redemption only in God’s good plan waiting to be fulfilled in my life. Perhaps God is just too good to punish us for what we deserve. But, isn’t that what we all need? Grace? Mercy? Perhaps then, only those who are truly punished are those who abuse God’s grace or mock God.
God gave me the story of Pharaoh. He reminded me today that He made Pharaoh’s heart hard. I knew that from the words written clearly in the story the Bible, but I still think when I see hard hearts around me, that it’s the enemy’s work. That struck me deep today. “Wait, Dawn, this is the Lord’s work.” But, why? Moses was a man of great obedience and faith (after a bit of prodding). He was brave to go before Pharaoh and proclaim God’s Word. And yet, nothing. Plague after plague came upon Egypt. Disobedience on the part of Pharaoh…such tremendous pride and cruelty. But. The Lord told me today. It was to DISPLAY MY POWER to those nations all around. God had a plan for it. I realized, on a little scale, when God delivers me, if I have been faithful, everyone around me will see God’s ultimate power displayed in my life. I pray this may be true for me tonight.
True waiting as a Christian is waiting with a trusting, happy heart. Many Christian has gone astray waiting a while, but then not being able to wait any longer, they give in and develop their own plan to make their dreams come true. “Oh, Lord, give me strength to wait patiently with great anticipation of what you will do for me and my children.” Amen.
I’m waiting for an amazing Father this Father’s Day 2017 for my children and also for one who will be just right for me. I’m waiting to see my children see a man love his wife in their own home, the way I always dreamed love should be. I am waiting for God’s plan for me to unfold in my life. And while I wait, I must let God refine and prepare me…and be satisfied with His love only. I think I can do this. With resolve and a whole huge dose of help from God. Good thing He’s strong enough!!